I love being a parent.

I love being a parent.

Now let me tell you why.
I knew that children go through so many phases and milestones as they get older and older.
Lilith just hit one of the most annoying phases and milestones.

The “Why?” phase.

But I’m not annoyed. I admit I might grow annoyed as it progresses but right now, I love it.
I used to say “I can’t wait til she gets to that phase.” while dramatically rolling my eyes and in the most sarcastic tone. But as I’ve reached this point, I realized I really was anticipating it. I’m excited! This isn’t just a “Why?” phase. This is her curiosity phase. Its my opportunity to teach her.

I may not have an answer to “why?” every time, but if she can learn some things at least a few times a day, I’m okay with it.

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Fear

I haven’t been able to write the past few days. And I’ll explain why.

Although I had an amazing day with my daughter and her father, Valentines day was very somber and tragic. In Florida, a 19 year old coward walked into his old high school with an AR-15, pulled the fire alarm to draw people into the halls, and open fired killing 17 people. 14 of these people were students. The other 3 were teachers and staff.

Im not blaming the gun. I’m not blaming the mental illness. I’m not blaming God. I’m not blaming Trump. I’m not Blaming anyone or anything.

BUT!! Students that knew him claimed that they weren’t surprised it was him! There were SO many signs! So many pointers. If someone just paid attention, these 17 families would have been celebrating a holiday of love with love. Not Grief.

My biggest fear now, is to put my child in school. I know most parents usually have that fear at this point in life. I admit, I dont want my baby in school. I’m not ready because I want her to be my baby forever but that’s how every parent is. I wish that was my ONLY fear of her going to school.

Im so afraid that someone will come to her school and bomb it, or shoot it up, and my baby will either be traumatized for the rest of her life, or dead.

Story time: When I was in 4th grade, we had just come in from lunch recess and began settling down when the lights went out. Then the principal Mr. Tompkins came on the loud speaker to announce that’d we had been put on lock down until further notice. At first we thought it was a drill, so we got into lockdown position under the desks. We were laughing and calm but that changed when we saw 2 police officers pass the window and check the door. Our teacher called the office to find out if it was a drill but sadly it wasnt.

There was a man on campus with a gun. His daughter was a student there. Our teacher informed us that it was not a drill and to remain VERY silent and very still.

The gunman walked right passed our classroom windows.

I remember a kid hiding behind a word chart (a blue curtain thing with slots for cards). And he literally cried for his mommy.

Granted we were in 4th grade. 8 or 9 years old. Not to mention crying for your mommy in this situation at any age is appropriate.

I am 25.

That happened 15+ years ago.

I remember that day like it was yesterday. I can play that memory like a scene in my head.

So vivid.

So hard to forget.

Then my second close encounter was my sophomore year. I dont even remember how it happened. I just remember the school went on lock down and students were talking about a text going around about a list of people someone was planning to shoot. They called each individual student on the list to the office and escorted them by police officer. I was never called in. I guess I’m glad I stayed to myself.

I heard that they found the kid, 3 classrooms down. He did have a gun. Just a regular hand gun. I cant remember what kind. A couple of lists of people from other schools as well. They say that he had it planned out for the next day, which was friday. He had everything in a bag under his bed at home.

If it wasnt for the one concerned student who got the text, who knows what would have happened. That student went to the principal and showed them. She saved so many lives.

I am not afraid to take my daughter to school because I’m afraid of her growing up, I’m afraid of her not getting the chance to grow up. I’m afraid my “Good luck” and “see ya later kiss” will be my last.

I shouldn’t have to be afraid of losing my daughter while shes trying to get an education.

Something needs to be done.

Know it all Doctors!

I may not be a doctor, but I know when something is wrong with my child!

Little back story, Last monday, I took my daughter to the doctors to be seen for the flu. Only to be told to “let it run its course”. My Child is 3 years old!! You expect her to suffer through it???

Here we are a week later and shes only gotten worse! I took her in again today because she wouldn’t sleep because her ear hurt. The doctor wouldnt even see her!!! Sent his nurse to tell us, give her some children’s benydril and childrens tylenol. Seriously?? As if I havent been already! He totally ignored the ear issues! She could have blown an eardrum sneezing or blowing her nose! Or she has an ear infection!! Did he even look? No!

Now im sitting on hold as I write this. Its been 20 minutes already! Just to talk to someone about her breathing nebulizer. For those who dont know, it’s a breathing treatment machine for people with asthma. I wonder how much its gonna cost me.

I wish we were in Canada! At least health care is free. Here in the magnificent United States *note sarcasm*, you get sick, you end up in debt til you die, then your family is in debt due to your death!

30 minutes in and still on hold!! This is ridiculous!

Wish me luck, Im gonna need it.

Its been a while.

Being a parent is WAY harder than I expected.

My daughter is 3 years old now!!

Remember when you were younger and you would run into family or family friends and they would say “Man, you’ve grown up so fast!” or “Time really HAS gone by.”

Or when your mom or dad say “You’re growing up so fast!”

I get it. I really do. I see my daughter and I feel like it was only yesterday that we had her. Now she’s 3 and knows how to count and knows most of her ABCs. She is so polite and has a huge loving heart! Next thing I know, shes going to be in high school; then college.

She’s going to great things.

Earned My Stripes?

So, the saying is “I earned my stripes.” Referring to your stretch marks as your stripes from having a kid. But what about those like me who had stretch marks before. I don’t have new ones. I hated them before, and I hate them now. I try to think about it as I earned them from having my daughter but I remember that I had them before. I can’t stand looking at myself. I gross myself out. Why can’t I be like other mothers? Mothers, who have stretch and a small pooch, but id still be good looking. I feel like I look like a massive sea lion. I feel like I should get a beach ball and join sea world. (not that I support sea world. If you’ve seen Blackfish you know why) do other mothers feel this way?? It doesn’t matter, no one reads this stuff anyways. At least my stuff. Oh well. Bye for now.

Mommy Rants

Being a new mom in the first place is difficult, but when you have no help or support out makes it worse. My fiancĂ© was great at first but now all I wanna do is punch him in his fat nose! And my mother. She’s a joke! She’s a drunk and I can’t stand her. I have no friends to talk to. No one to help me through my troubles. So I’ve turned to you, internet. To rant to. To help me though things. Yes I know I’ll get bad feedback. But it’s better than nothing at all. Please, stick with me. Bare with me.